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The Dad

@thedad129k followers

Welcome to the club. 🔥 🏆 🎮 @thedadgaming

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Posts 85 posts
#DatePost↓ OutlierViewsLikesRepostsBookmarks
1Oct 15, '18Forget astrology. The tagline of the #1 movie at the box office the day you were born, that determines your fate from now on88.2×07.2k1.1k404
2Nov 22, '19Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight? Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you Me: Not now Dad Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they? Me: Dad, there's a m50.8×051k8.2k502
6Feb 28, '19Now THIS is how you spend a snow day with your kid. [Scott Theisen]14.3×013k2.6k159
9Jan 3, '14I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".7.2×04.1k2.8k8
10Aug 20, '18God: what are they doing down there? Angel: they are making milk from almonds God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from A: they dont like that milk God: [mockingly]6.6×04.9k1.8k41
12Nov 6, '19😏4.9×04.8k75395
13Aug 22, '19Just saw this dad trying out mowers by pretending to hold a drink and yell at his kid to get out of the way 🤔4.8×04.3k87949
14Mar 10, '17I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."4.7×02.9k1.7k0
15Nov 1, '226yo: I’m done, can I have ice cream? Me: Not until you’ve eaten all your food. 6yo: But I’m full Me: If you’re full, you don’t need ice cream 6yo: My stomach is full of food but ic4.7×05.6k26073
16Nov 11, '22My wife and I are starting an Escape Room franchise where groups of strangers have to get our 3 kids under age 5 dressed and out of the room in one hour4.0×04.7k24135
17Jan 6, '19By the age of 30 you should have: A dog Anxiety A dog with anxiety4.0×03.8k55612
18Oct 7, '18My parents used to tell me I played too many video games and I never realized until I had children of my own just how wrong they were. I played the right amount and as a result non3.7×04.1k4359
19Nov 2, '17Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.3.5×02.7k9649
21Jan 13, '18[modifying my son’s Super Soaker] Wife: take the pointy thing off Me: it’s a bayonet & absolutely not3.2×02.8k8019
22Sep 14, '18Wife trolls husband by screaming Alanis Morissette song for a month3.1×02.6k390134
23Aug 28, '19Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.3.0×02.8k47422
24Sep 5, '18Retiring police officer receives a surprise send-off from his son during his emotional final radio call after more than 31 years of service.2.9×02.5k59032
25Nov 5, '18My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant2.9×03k36912
26Oct 28, '23My 3yo: Why do we have to go to other houses for candy? Why can’t we just keep this bowl we have and just watch TV? Me: Yeah... why 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 we???2.9×57k1.5k778
27Apr 22, '23Someday they'll get older and the bare spots will fill in, but by then I'll understand it was perfect like this2.9×57k1.1k628
28Oct 23, '19Wholesome dad content: an 88-year-old dad is reunited with his 53-year-old son after spending a week apart for the first time ever2.9×02.9k32537
30Jul 19, '18Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine2.7×02.7k4553
31Nov 8, '18Wife, lecturing son: you can’t just “wing it” your entire life Me, later to my son when we’re alone: you actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re do2.7×02.6k4999
32Oct 11, '19The world could use more people like Levi2.4×02k43955
33Apr 11, '18Mr Facebook, can you please explain why all my crops have died in FarmVille despite the fact I turned the computer off when I went on vacation2.4×02.1k5532
34Oct 18, '22Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.2.4×02.8k9418
36Jan 21, '18Me: your ears are inside out My dog: you don’t have to shout I can hear you very clearly for some reason2.3×02.1k5420
38Mar 19, '13Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!2.1×01.5k7080
39Feb 21, '18[inventing the platypus] God: what do you think Angel: is everything ok at home2.1×02k4553
40Mar 31, '18Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them Jesus: Christmas and wha2.1×01.9k4638
41Aug 29, '18I say “I’m down for whatever” a lot for someone who is down for maybe 3 things and one of those is napping and another is sleeping2.0×01.8k48110
42Oct 28, '22I used to be known amongst my friends for how fast I could shotgun a beer. This morning I was visibly upset that my favorite bird didn’t show up at the bird feeder.2.0×02.5k8718
43Sep 7, '18DOCTOR: How often do you exercise? ME: 3 times DOCTOR: A week? A month? ME: I have given my answer2.0×01.8k4327
44Sep 10, '19It's called magic2.0×01.9k30119
45Aug 5, '18Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him Son: can we go to the park? Me: no, it’s raining a little bit2.0×01.9k3577
46Nov 10, '22Interviewer: Why is there a 6-month gap in your resume? Me: My 5yo was telling a story2.0×02.2k18919
47Oct 11, '18These kids are hard to stay mad at.2.0×01.5k45021
48Nov 25, '22Kids on Thanksgiving be like1.9×02.3k11717
49Sep 30, '22Telling my kids I’ll let them stay up 20 minutes later and then putting them to bed 5 minutes early because they can’t tell time is the closest I’ll ever get to being a politician.1.9×02.4k10620
50Jan 12, '19A cooking competition show, but all the chef’s spouses are there to somehow keep standing in front of whatever drawer or cabinet they need to get into1.9×01.6k35111
51May 26, '20Dad Law: A dad of young children will stay up late after his kids are in bed, no matter how tired he may be, because it’s the only time he gets to himself to watch TV, play video g1.9×01.7k28124
52Jul 16, '19Fake adult hobbies: Hiking Reading Spending time with family & friends Real adult hobbies: Running late Browsing Netflix until I decide I’d rather just go to sleep Sitting on t1.8×01.7k32224
53Jun 28, '19I told my son we couldn’t afford something and he asked why I didn’t have more money, and I wanted to be like, “You, dude. You are entirely the reason I don’t have more money.”1.8×01.9k2205
54Jan 17, '1917-year-olds vs. a rotary phone1.8×01.1k49819
55Sep 12, '19Preschool teacher: ok let’s put the toys away My toddler: ok Me: ok let’s put the toys away My toddler: get fucked1.7×01.9k19110
56Sep 19, '20I told my son we couldn’t afford something and he asked why I didn’t have more money, and I wanted to be like, “You, dude. You are entirely the reason I don’t have more money.”1.7×01.9k20918
57Sep 26, '18To wake her husband up from his sleep, this new mom threw a rolled-up robe at him. In his half-asleep state, he thought the robe was the baby.1.7×01.4k32220
58Nov 1, '18Daughter signs 30-year contract agreeing to never attend Lollapalooza in exchange for a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a cookie.1.7×01.4k27312
59Aug 19, '18[first day as car salesman] Customer: electric windows? Me, taps window: glass Customer: break horse power? Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits Customer: 4 wheel drive? Me1.6×01.5k3142
60Jan 3, '19I wish we learned real math in school. None of this “you’ve got 18 apples” bullshit. That’s too many apples anyway. We need shit like “you get paid $500, you spend $49.99, you chec1.5×01.5k2763
61Apr 9, '18Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don't forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety1.5×01.1k4395
62Jun 12, '18Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die1.5×01.5k3094
63Mar 24, '13When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.1.5×01.1k4533
64Jun 11, '20Son: daddy there’s a spider in my room Me: he’s fine, he’s just minding his own business Son: what business does a spider have Me, loud enough so everyone in the house can hear: we1.5×01.5k2519
65Mar 2, '19Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother Wife: see what I mean? Therapist: shut up for a se1.5×01.5k2847
66Aug 21, '19I am a: ⚪️ guy ⚪️ girl 🔘 toddler Looking for: ⚪️ a boyfriend ⚪️ a girlfriend 🔘 no idea but you better figure it out soon or I’m gonna lose my shit1.5×01.6k2179
67May 2, '18Son: dad there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here? Me: look it’s you he’s after, why make him my problem too?1.4×01.3k3002
68Mar 24, '18I want to put every dude with a “#1 Dad” mug into a stadium and let them fight to the death1.4×01.4k1920
69Oct 4, '22I was playing restaurant with my 6-year-old and she handed me a plastic cup and said “here’s your beer” even though it was only 9 am. No judgment whatsoever. Solid 5-star experienc1.4×01.7k7710
70Feb 3, '18Wife: can you make the bed Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon1.4×01.4k2620
71Oct 14, '19My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and1.4×01.4k14517
72Jan 13, '20Wife: you forgot to get the evaporated milk, I put it on the list Me, looking through the grocery bags: i definitely got it Wife: don’t you dare Me: it must have evaporated1.4×01.5k1866
73Oct 30, '18Not only did this kid get to rock out with the Foo Fighters, he’s now the proud owner of one of Dave Grohl's Gibson guitars. [via Amy Dickey Lundeen]1.4×01.2k24417
74Jan 8, '18[family game night] Wife: I don’t think this is suitable Me [opening visor]: jousting is part of our heritage, Linda1.4×01.3k2801
75Apr 4, '19Me: I want a raise Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise? Me: that’s not what I said1.3×01.4k2200
76May 19, '19Did you know a fully grown human being can live entirely off the food their kid asked for and then refused to eat?1.3×01.3k2171
77Oct 22, '22*Tells joke to wife* *Silence* *Repeats joke to wife* Wife: Oh no, I heard you.1.3×01.5k6410
78May 9, '19Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got 1.3×01.3k15210
79Aug 20, '19Me: wait a second, who the fuck is this YouTuber: hey guys it’s me, your boy Me: oh thank god, it’s my boy1.3×01.3k19710
80Nov 9, '22My wife wants to get another cat and I really don’t want another cat so what do you guys think we should name the new cat1.2×01.3k865
81Sep 19, '18[painting with my son] Son: daddy did I do it right? Me: son, this is art. There is no right or wrong, there’s just whoa what the fuck ok yeah that’s wrong1.2×01.2k2093
82Aug 11, '18We are all this first-time dad comforting his newborn son as he receives his first shots.1.2×01.1k17820
83Jan 14, '18My dad had an old fashioned typewriter. He used to swear by it. “Fuck this typewriter,” he’d say.1.2×01.2k2251
84Nov 5, '22It’s officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.1.2×01.3k1084
86Oct 22, '18[Son's 1st day of school] Me: Did you make any friends today? Son: Yes! Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?1.2×01.1k2233
87Aug 1, '19DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small? ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t. [2AM] ME: WIFE: Go to sleep. ME: What if it is though?1.1×01.2k1448
88Dec 22, '18Me: I'm not gonna drink at the Christmas party Me: 45 minutes into the Christmas party1.1×01.1k1853
89Oct 8, '19This golden retriever dad is extremely protective of his daughter1.1×01.1k13919
90Aug 30, '18Took my son to the zoo yesterday for the first time ever and I realized I hadn’t explained what a hippo was and he just kept asking to go back and see the tooth pig1.1×01.1k1558
91Oct 17, '22My kid after winning a soccer game, spending the afternoon at a pumpkin farm, going out for ice cream, and being asked to go to bed at the normal time1.1×01.2k7015
92Sep 3, '18My wife thinks our baby is a genius even though the only noteworthy thing he’s done in weeks is picked up his toy train, screamed “TRAIN!” and then violently shit himself.1.0×01.1k1341
93Nov 5, '21I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently and my nephew said “you should go inside when you get there” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that.1.0×01.1k1114
94Mar 18, '19Accidentally picked up a hostage negotiator’s manual instead of my parenting book and it’s exactly the same except they acknowledge how high the stakes are1.0×01.1k1012
95Sep 27, '22My boss asked everyone to go around and say something fun they did on the weekend and someone said “went two days without icebreakers” and now we’ve voted this guy to be the new bo1.0×01.2k7410
96Oct 6, '22I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.1.0×01.2k609

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