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McSweeney's

@mcsweeneys230k followers

The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.

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1Oct 27, '20Dave Eggers: “This is, let’s pray, the final list of Trump’s crimes. 949 assaults on the Constitution, the rule of law, democratic norms, and human decency. For the undecided voter26.7×03.4k1.7k451
2Mar 11, '20"We asked Trump what we could do about breast cancer. He paused, gazed at the ceiling for a second, and said, 'What about Old Spice?' Sure, it seemed like a bonkers suggestion, but11.8×01.9k60263
3Aug 7, '20"Like the flu, xenomorphs affect the GI tract and appear to be highly contagious. Only six of our employees, however, have suffered complications related to xenomorphs. The flu kil9.7×01.5k72136
4Jul 28, '21Are you a gymnast? No, I'm a conservative pundit who has never so much as done a cartwheel in his life, let alone landed a Yurchenko double pike.8.7×01.7k42428
5Sep 2, '21"Oh, you’re afraid of fucking side effects? Fuck you. You know what has fucking side effects? Fucking aspirin, fucking Tylenol. You could be fucking allergic to pineapple, you fuck7.1×01.1k36039
6Jun 27, '22"The best way to solve a problem happening right now is us waiting for you to vote later. Because if we did something now, some people might not vote for us. And if they don’t vote6.4×01k38725
7Oct 25, '16If Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women:6.2×07425280
8Oct 12, '20"Democracy activists in Hong Kong, Belarus, and Hungary: we are listening, we support you, and we are your ally. Democracy activists in the US: please go to jail."5.9×06635856
9Feb 25, '23"All art is born of its time... People who come to the art later can handle the context, the different words, the different attitudes. People can handle it because we are complex c4.4×165k44013519
10Sep 4, '21"The vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you fucking kidding me? It just fucking won’t. That’s not even a fucking thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her4.3×074122027
11Jul 28, '21"I haven’t changed since 1974, so why should my neighborhood?"4.2×066119939
12Jan 2, '19"I’d love to see a female President. Just not Hillary Clinton. Or Elizabeth Warren. I am totally open to all other women leaders, but I have to admit that Kamala Harris and Amy Klo4.0×05752335
13May 10, '22"Protestors are surrounding my house and keeping me up at night, which is when I like to spend some quiet time alone, away from my conscience. So I am writing this to ask a favor: 3.9×07832234
14Aug 4, '19- Having a fucking bake sale - Building a fucking shed in your own backyard - Pumping fucking gas3.6×057224013
15Feb 1, '17Hey look, @POTUS wrote a McSweeney’s piece today:3.5×04122260
16Sep 28, '21"How did they come up with seat belts so quickly? We’ve only had over a hundred years of car safety innovation and research that have built to this moment in time when we have seat3.4×073915513
17Nov 10, '22"We are completely committed to providing an accessible experience to protest the lack of accessibility. That is why we have employed one person to look at you with a worried grima3.1×052019337
18Jan 19, '18Letters From Dads Who Call It Babysitting When They’re Watching Their Own Kids Letters From People Who Take Up Two Parking Spaces at Trader Joes Letters From People Who Call When Y3.1×05711850
19Aug 2, '17"Too many plot lines, haphazard arrivals/exits of characters, not enough focus on logic and character motivation."2.7×03861711
20Sep 13, '21"Not only do our current serfs refuse to labor, but the serfs we ejected from our fiefdoms when we feared the plague would harm our profits now don’t want to come back and replace 2.6×037618822
21Aug 13, '19"If the Free People are going to defeat Sauron, you need to let go of your elitist attitudes and choose someone who can appeal to the moderate orc vote. That’s why I support Saruma2.6×04411718
22Jun 7, '17Excerpts from Comey’s Statement or from Ishiguro’s ‘The Remains of the Day’?2.6×02522050
23Apr 21, '16“Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” RIP, Prince.2.6×02852760
24Oct 4, '19MYTH: “The President stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot [somebody].” FACT: It was East 57th Street, the President was on the sidewalk, and there were multiple targets.2.6×047013910
25Jan 13, '21"The noble warrior Beowulf says we must now slay Grendel, which would stop the attacks, vindicate the dead, and restore the Great Hall’s honor. But have you considered, as an alter2.5×04991368
27Feb 13, '17WE'RE DEVOTING OUR SITE TODAY TO A BRAND NEW COLUMN: "DEAR PRESIDENT BANNON"2.4×03661910
28Sep 6, '18"We are part of a different kind of Resistance, one that still supports the foundations scrawled within the Tome of Infernal Torment, and not the whims of a Mad Anti-God who cares 2.3×03601655
29Feb 18, '23"We believe that the truth lies in the middle. The exact mathematical middle. This holds true no matter how far right 'the right' actually is. You know all those things that John M2.3×88k32510415
30May 7, '20"Here at Jurassic Park, we've never been ones to listen to the recommendations of scientists, or safety experts, or bioethicists, so why would we start now?"2.3×02871819
31Feb 13, '23"I SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH UNLESS YOU ANSWER NO TO BEING MY VALENTINE."2.3×86k256484
32Nov 11, '22ELON MUSK: Hold my beer, dweebs. I spent $44 billion on Twitter and explicitly told everyone to vote Republican. Now I’m losing $4 million a day and can’t seem to win advertisers’ 2.3×042611023
33Dec 1, '22High-profile conspiracy-mongering and acts of violence against Jews have made it tricky to hate any Jew at all. Thankfully, here's @joshgondelman with some helpful tips on how to h2.2×03887933
34Dec 19, '22The Sound of Music is on TV tonight, so we are contractually obligated to share this all-timer from our archives. #SoundOfMusic2.2×82k40912925
35Jun 26, '20"When they arrive on campus, all students will receive a welcome package containing a face mask branded with our university logo, a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe, an evil-eye charm, a2.1×031611419
36Mar 26, '23"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a co2.1×81k1994633
37May 22, '17After an 18-year hiatus, @jaketapper returns to our internet pages with a funny piece of satire...2.1×03751390
38Jan 30, '18"I regret to inform you that the joy you felt from seeing the movie is wrong and problematic."2.1×03611300
39Aug 12, '14“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” — Robin Williams2.1×02172270
40Dec 5, '16Is this a metaphor for something else? (Hint: IT IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING ELSE)2.1×02532040
41Oct 27, '24"I simply can’t seem to decide between the Dark Lord determined to return to power and stay there until shadows drown all of Arda, or the Elf Galadriel, who seems to be great and e2.0×77k71920838
42Mar 29, '23"Starting April 15, the White Hand of Saruman will only be given out to Uruk-hai who have a paid subscription to SaruBlue. You do not know pain, you do not know fear, and you will 2.0×75k4881804
43Oct 7, '19"I found the request to be inappropriate on multiple levels. Even me, a sea monster, anti-hero of sorts, can appreciate the value of preserving the integrity of democratic election1.9×03781093
44Jan 14, '21"I am radically testing the limits of what it fundamentally means to be outdoors by erecting walls, putting a roof on top of those walls, and then insisting that it is still outdoo1.9×03391009
45Oct 2, '17"Importing foreign fucking cheese."1.9×02171660
46Dec 19, '22"It seems the Captain and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to 1.8×70k2854020
47May 3, '22"We’re fathers of daughters, husbands of wives, and paramours of mistresses, but the truth is we just do not give a single solitary fuck about any of you, and we never have."1.8×03301136
48Aug 9, '19"Gandalf has gotten a lot of attention by making the One Ring the center of his campaign. We all can agree that the Ring is important, but shouldn't we also address the kitchen-tab1.8×02601228
49Aug 24, '18"Trump’s presidency assumes we’ll fend for ourselves when we’re flooded, burned, earthquaked or tornadoed by life. Help isn’t coming after the crash. We’re on our own." - @pattonos1.8×0311838
50Oct 3, '21A: I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. B: Same. Any restaurant you have in mind? A: No, I’ll go to literally any restaurant in this town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient fo1.8×03525214
51Aug 9, '19"Why do we hire dipshits? It’s simple. After the 2016 election, we got yelled at a lot by right-wingers."1.8×02991174
52Sep 22, '22RELEASE THE GOURDS.1.8×0290952
53Jul 12, '17"Even the best-behaved teen is likely to encounter a situation where he or she is tempted to collude with Russia."1.8×02601240
54Dec 23, '21“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” RIP, Joan Didion.1.8×0390774
55May 7, '20"The fact of the matter is, velociraptors are intelligent, shifty creatures that are not going to be contained any time soon, so we might as well just start getting used to them ki1.7×02061316
56Jun 14, '16Woke Classic Lit:1.7×02861330
57Oct 17, '23"A corrupt, deranged narcissist who has given voice and energy to right-wing terrorism? Or a genial lifetime public servant with a steady hand on the tiller of government? You see,1.7×63k2347417
58Mar 31, '20"Soon all the benefits you’ve come to rely on will go away, we will cut the social safety net we hastily assembled, and life will return to normal. As terrifying as things are now,1.7×0298929
59Mar 28, '17I’m Wes Anderson, and I’m Directing This FBI Investigation Into Russia and the Trump Campaign:1.6×02671061
60Sep 22, '21It is time. #FirstDayofFall1.6×0235846
61Mar 5, '19"It’s important to recognize that women of color deserve to have their voices heard, and that those in power, such as myself, need to listen to them — so long as they don’t challen1.6×0298861
62Sep 15, '17The boy felt weird about it. It was exploitative. But he decided the tree just wanted some attention.1.6×0308850
63Nov 10, '23"Listen here, pal: this is a Megan Follows bar. You don’t come to the goddamn Avonlea Alehouse and start shit-talking Megan Fucking Follows unless you want someone to take you the 1.6×60k2714720
64Mar 17, '23"Woke is a code word, a whistle of sorts, that alerts people who think like me that we’re on the same side without ever having to use a racial slur in public. Also, whenever I use 1.6×60k247836
65Sep 22, '17OK, summer is officially over. Happy fall, fuckheads!1.6×0224870
66Dec 17, '18The #SoundOfMusic is on TV tonight so we are contractually obligated to share this classic (one of our most-read pieces ever) from our archives. (CC: @MelindaTaub)1.5×0248965
67May 25, '22"Your prayers are not helping the victims or their families... You pray in order not to feel culpable in horrendous acts of violence. You pray in order to feel good. And for this, 1.5×02441066
68Nov 20, '18OUT TODAY: The End of Trust (McSweeney's 54). Our first-ever nonfiction issue features more than thirty writers and artists investigating surveillance, privacy and technology in th1.5×023810911
69Sep 21, '18It's a day early, but we don't post stuff over the weekend, so... BLAMMO! Happy fall, fuckheads!1.5×0241712
70Aug 21, '20"I regret to inform you that New York no longer exists. Unfortunately, as soon as it was out of my sight on our family trip earlier this year, it disappeared forever. As someone wh1.5×0341636
71Dec 31, '21Here it is, our most-read article of 2021. #McSweeneysTop21of211.5×0300699
72Jul 3, '17"'America' was originally a spinoff of the long-running 'England.'" #July4th @meganamram1.5×02561000
73Sep 30, '23"Taylor should be singing about more sophisticated subjects, like [states’ rights/ Rush Limbaugh/ lowering taxes for the wealthy/ deregulation/ how corporations are people/ anti-un1.5×56k227399
74Oct 11, '19"Whether it is a glance, a throwaway line ('You always go home with the hot women'), or the scenes where Maverick has sex with a woman, there are subtle instances of straightness t1.5×02735313
75Nov 5, '20"The Electoral College is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a nation founded by slaveholders."1.5×02447028
76Mar 21, '18"We will go line-by-line through the budget until we slash all the programs that don’t benefit the American public. And then we will go page-by-page through the Crate & Barrel 1.5×0282871
77Jan 12, '16Twitter’s Brainstorming Notes for Potential New Features:1.4×02421110
78Mar 29, '19Hamilton: “A widow establishes an orphanage.”1.4×0232762
79Jan 26, '21"Hi there, thanks for reading this. I’m being censored. That’s why I’m writing a piece in a major publication that you are consuming easily and for free. Because I am being absolut1.3×0245754
80Jul 15, '19What the world needs is a 680-page, three pound heavy, humor anthology. Keep Scrolling Til You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney's Internet Tendency is now a1.3×0262439
81Apr 15, '23"The fact of the matter is this: it’s so important that new housing is affordable, because there’s no way in hell I’m accepting anything less than a 20 percent return on my own hom1.3×49k211577
82Jan 15, '21FRAN LEBOWITZ: I’m sorry, excuse me: Big? Is this a man you’re talking about? Is that supposed to be a name? CHARLOTTE: Yes, Big is Carrie’s husband. FRAN LEBOWITZ: No, that’s not 1.3×02894012
83Nov 17, '18"If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we raze our hallowed halls? Will we change our street names? Will we forbid the a cappella group from singin1.3×0227822
84May 16, '22Many of you have been following the recent strange saga of The Believer, but today we could not be more thrilled to share the full story and some very very exciting news:1.2×02403310
85Jan 24, '22"'Stop making me wear a mask!' I shout, maskless."1.2×0199787
86Oct 7, '22"You don’t own free speech. None of you do. I own free speech, and I get to decide what it is and when it is. Workers trying to unionize? Not free speech. A former president trying1.2×0210745
87May 24, '19"Fold a paper man and paste an image of Brett Kavanaugh’s face on it. Stand the paper man upright in the middle of an opened copy of The Handmaid’s Tale. Slam the book shut. Repeat1.1×0193667
88Nov 30, '21"You want a two-month-old to wind up on a fucking ventilator instead of you, a fucking adult, getting a fucking sore arm for a day? What are you, a pitcher for the Yankees? A fucki1.1×0193692
89May 13, '22"The right to indoor plumbing: James Madison shat in a pot and so will you."1.1×02086010
90Feb 13, '19"That’s not to say we don’t want diversity, we want a cross-section from America. From white male teenagers who play 'Call Of Duty' all the way to white male teenagers who play 'Ma1.1×0209573
91Jun 16, '21"I had to make some tough lifestyle changes. For instance, I stopped buying coffee every day and started making it at home. This allowed me to pocket enough money to go ask my pare1.1×0243472
92Nov 30, '24Friendly reminders…1.1×41k3113
93Aug 14, '21“The Domestic Crusaders is exactly the sort of theatre we need today. The gulf that separates cultures must be bridged and Art is one of our best hopes.” —Emma Thompson1.1×02572614
94Oct 3, '22"Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash."1.1×0199507
95Apr 1, '22"Clearly, we let a lot of things slide: bigotry, corruption, peddling in falsehoods—the list goes on. But if you spread a rumor that we’re all getting busy in bone-town? That’ll be1.0×0200537
97Sep 26, '23“It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”1.0×38k242647
98Nov 11, '20"New 'RHONY' cast member Ivanka Trump says that her first job is being the best single mom possible as her husband Jared is away on business in Bahrain, totally not dodging extradi1.0×0216316
99Dec 8, '18"It’s obvious that the entire Mueller investigation is a total charade. This is the real story: Hillary Clinton may very well have personally deposited thousands of pythons through0.9×0210370
100Oct 8, '22"Do the Democrats really believe that they can bribe voters into supporting them by keeping their campaign promises?"0.9×0172453
101Oct 28, '22"Hello, I’m a Republican politician, and I want to make one thing very clear: I don’t want government involved in decisions about abortion. Instead, I want government involved in d0.9×0182442

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