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ellie schnitt

@holy_schnitt545k followers

(e)girl next door• they won’t remove the blue check no matter how hard I try • IG: ellie_schnitt • business inquiries: isabel@gallantcreativemgmt.com

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Oct 17
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Posts 100 posts
#DatePost↓ OutlierViewsLikesRepostsBookmarks
1Jan 8, '24cillian murphy giving his golden globes speech with lipstick all over his face from his wife kissing him? neeeed a real lover boy like that27.2×32.2M401k33k19k
2Feb 5, '24btw if there was a photo of me out there that looked like this you’d never be able to tell me shit again. my head would be so big I wouldn’t fit thru the door16.3×19.2M484k33k7.8k
3Dec 31, '23I was using vinegar while cleaning my bathroom and then I thought hm maybe I should bleach this too and long story short that is mustard gas15.1×17.9M140k5.9k6.2k
4Jan 5, '24mind you breaking bad is a show with actual neo-nazis in it but surely the wife who is a little concerned about her meth dealing husband is the problem10.9×12.9M156k9.5k2.8k
5Jun 4, '23remember when cupcakes had this huge moment in like 2010 and cupcake shops opened everywhere and you couldn’t get normal desserts anywhere u had to eat gigantic dry cupcakes that w10.1×11.9M117k5.1k1.3k
6Feb 19, '25I don’t get why iced coffee I make at home tastes so ASS!!! it’s all the same ingredients as at an overpriced coffee shop so what is the problem? is it because I don’t have any tat8.9×10.5M217k8.8k9.9k
7Jul 17, '23the way men love vanilla perfumes is so funny to me? if u smell like a sugar cookie every man in a 10 mile radius will want to kiss you. such simple creatures, so easy to please8.5×10.1M190k9.9k13k
8Sep 4, '23gilmore girls is an incredibly stressful show I do not know why people gear up to watch it every fall like? do you enjoy watching lorelei yell at her parents for just wanting to he7.7×9.1M105k5.6k3.9k
9Jul 21, '23u must release your fear of being annoying or cringe or “too much” in order to truly live a joyful and satisfying life. being a little annoying is actually really fun and many of y7.1×8.4M192k41k7.5k
10Sep 6, '23whoever is doing PR for joe jonas needs to be fired expeditiously like buddy idk how but instead of making joe look good you’ve convinced the entire internet that he must have murd7.0×8.3M114k5k1k
11Jan 12, '24kind of fucked up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him6.7×8M150k7.9k5.9k
12Jun 26, '23had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow6.6×7.8M130k7k2.4k
13Jul 25, '23girls when you kept them like a secret but they kept you like an oath6.0×7.1M174k20k3.1k
14Jul 17, '25my very sweet friend did not realize that the girl who was talking to him for 2 hours at a party last weekend was interested. I want to reiterate they spoke for 2 entire hours and 5.4×6.4M123k1.5k6.8k
15Feb 12, '24why is that sometimes eggs are the most delectable meal you’ve ever had in your life and then randomly one day they’re an abomination and you have to choke them down like you’re be5.4×6.3M170k13k3.1k
16Mar 8, '23View post on X4.9×5.7M163k40k1.1k
17Jan 3, '23the ugliest version of me is the version that comes out when I play board games. idk who she is but she is a monster she is not fit for human interaction4.8×5.6M109k16k1.3k
18Mar 26, '23if I was emily ratajkowski and I was the most beautiful woman perhaps ever invented, I too would make out with all of my celebrity crushes. she’s simply living the dream and I resp4.7×5.6M110k6.4k985
19Dec 23, '23I started smoking weed in college because at parties all my friends would go into a little room together to smoke like a little secret smoking club and they’d be in there for so lo4.7×5.5M90k2.5k3.3k
20Nov 1, '17Dad in every Disney channel movie: but son, you're giving up your DREAM Son in every Disney channel movie: no dad, I'm giving up ~yours~4.3×0310k67k42
21Apr 2, '24I keep accidentally texting my friends like I am a dog4.3×5.1M161k9.3k7.2k
22May 31, '23my iron levels are so low that I have to start getting IV infusions and my dr was like haven’t you noticed super low energy?? like yeah dog but I thought I was just depressed so th4.3×5.1M110k4.3k2.5k
23Aug 11, '23can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude4.0×4.7M150k16k2.5k
24Jun 5, '23something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abo4.0×4.7M109k6k1k
25Sep 1, '25how it feels to have a crush when you’re pushing 303.9×4.6M147k14k7.6k
26Dec 18, '23I like being an adult but tbh my one gripe is the Dishes. oh, the dishes. I am always doing dishes. when this world ends and our sun is nothing but a shriveled, dead star, when the3.7×4.4M91k13k2.2k
27Jul 23, '23haven’t smoked weed in like 3 years and tonight I did and at first I was like oh why don’t I do this anymore it’s nice! and now i’m at the club manually breathing3.5×4.1M93k2.1k1.1k
28Jan 20, '20no one: Barbie:3.4×0268k38k985
29Dec 22, '21why is sleeping at night so hard but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft fluffy cloud while adele sings you a lullaby3.3×0273k33k1.6k
30Oct 7, '18remember ladies, you never have to feel bad about guys buying you drinks!! there’s a wage gap they can afford it!!3.3×0258k36k1.6k
31Feb 2, '24mr. groundhog didn’t see his shadow early spring is coming!!!3.2×3.8M90k10k1.6k
32May 8, '24I’m on the G train and is this not kind of fantastically beautiful? I feel like i’m hallucinating3.2×3.8M141k3.2k3.7k
33Jun 9, '20just being honest rn I do not remember one single minute of the entire month of april3.1×0256k29k687
34Apr 23, '20View post on X3.1×0215k48k1.6k
35Jul 22, '24we joke but for real laughing at trump supporters and telling republicans how weird they are is actually a better strategy than wagging our fingers and moralizing at them. they do 2.9×3.5M119k9.5k2.9k
36Jun 29, '23I come from a very long line of women who believe bathrooms should have a theme and so behold: lemon bathroom2.9×3.4M93k2.4k1.1k
37Feb 5, '25why the fuck is my laundry bin always full i’m not even going anywhere2.7×3.2M151k19k1.6k
38Feb 13, '18I am so excited for Valentine's Day bc I work and I'm gonna tell all my customers that my "boyfriend dumped me" so I "decided to cover another girl's shift" and I'm gonna get so ma2.7×0224k21k13
39Apr 25, '19sorry, william cheated on Kate?? Kate Middleton? was cheated on by Where’d Ya Hairline Go William? someone get me a TI-89 because this shit is not adding up2.4×0189k26k730
40Dec 31, '17if I glance at you more than twice in a 3 minute time period that's your hint & it's the only one you're getting2.3×0156k41k30
41May 6, '22I know this is borderline psychotic but i’ve heard my upstairs neighbors have sex so many times that I am like 90% positive that one of them is cheating rn…. the rhythm is off that2.3×0212k6.3k2.9k
42Nov 16, '22reddit is a cool website because it simultaneously is one of the worst places on the entire internet AND the only place you can get a straight answer about almost anything2.3×0195k15k2.9k
43Nov 14, '21all my “I can fix him” energy comes from being the quiet girl all the teachers would sit bad boys next to in class2.2×0181k17k3.6k
44Jul 26, '18I got a free drink at starbucks for saying please & thank u when I ordered. I know someone is gonna quote tweet this like “that’s basic manners, do u want a cookie” but I don’t2.1×0189k12k253
45Jun 25, '18why are so many guys I know stupid thicc with naturally great brows and lashes like I spend real money to look like that and meanwhile he’s probably using the same $3 bar of soap t2.1×0167k21k579
46Mar 8, '22high school musical 2 came out in 2007 and breaking bad came out in 2008 and they are both set in albuquerque new mexico. which means canonically troy bolton and jesse pinkman coul2.0×0174k15k1.6k
47Jun 5, '19me: red velvet cake is just chocolate cake dyed red. logically it should taste like chocolate my brain: mm taste red :)2.0×0164k21k769
48Sep 27, '18u can burn like 1.3 calories a minute by crying so yes, i’ve cried 5 times today but on the plus side I am lookin ~slim~2.0×0159k23k641
49Jan 18, '21I used to write “sorry :(“ on my math tests I 100000% should not be allowed to have a credit card1.8×0151k16k556
50Jul 18, '17maybe "cool girls" like beer but I'm not gonna drink 6% alcohol wheat juice & hate life when I can drink tequila and love myself1.8×0121k28k14
51Jun 6, '18I drunk texted so many people last night and none of them were my regulars so that is concerning, drunk me is branching out. making connections. she’s got a whole other life now1.8×0157k12k382
52May 31, '22remember last year in nyc there was a heat wave and the city was like “turn your AC off to save energy ❤️” and we were like ? turn off times square motherfucker wtf1.7×0162k7.7k939
53Oct 2, '22View post on X1.7×0144k12k1.3k
54Nov 18, '18pro tip: instead of dyeing your hair when you break up with someone, just cut off the exact length of his dick so you can caption your selfie “not gonna miss those 6 inches, Mike”1.6×0137k14k1.4k
55Apr 27, '18the secret to being a hot girl is literally just deciding you are one1.6×0118k24k604
56Jul 23, '18morning ladies your inspiration for the week is this: u gotta stop putting lol at the ends of sentences to “soften” them. it’s weak. if you want to be an asshole just be an asshole1.6×0118k23k678
57Oct 29, '22I fucking love halloween because nothing makes me laugh harder than what people will sluttify. a girl I know is being “slutty sleepytime tea bear” and i’ve been laughing at that fo1.6×0147k6.8k2.3k
58May 26, '22smoking cigarettes is definitely fucked up but u know what’s more fucked up?? people genuinely do look cool and sexy smoking them like sorry I’m grown enough to admit that, are you1.6×0137k9.4k2.4k
59May 19, '22I do love nyc like I was just walking home alone & was a little freaked and almost as though he knew, a rat popped out of a pile of garbage and sort of kept pace with me for li1.6×0147k6k1.2k
60Sep 22, '22the best part of the adam levine sexts is that u know he was getting all worked up meanwhile this girl was probably eating fettuccine alfredo on the couch and laughing with her fri1.6×0145k6.3k1.3k
61Nov 3, '18someone: drunk me: ok FINE I will tell you, unprompted, about every guy i’ve ever loved and every bad thing i’ve ever even contemplated doing1.5×0120k16k642
62Jul 3, '22love the direction men’s clothing is going in (very short shorts) but I argue it can and should be sluttier1.5×0126k11k1.5k
63Sep 21, '22my laptop when I have more than 3 tabs open1.5×0127k11k1.1k
64May 23, '19how is it possible that so few men are in therapy when every single man i’ve ever met should 100% be in therapy1.5×0113k17k542
65Jan 24, '18my sober brain: I'm independent, I don't need a man, I'm living my best life, being single? amazing. Iconic. my drunk brain: *choking back tears* I just want to hold somebody's FUC1.4×0103k21k167
66Nov 3, '22I love that thing girls do when we give each other disclaimers before hanging out like “ok jsyk my hair is NOT clean” “that’s fine I look like hot garbage!!” it’s so funny why do w1.4×0120k7.9k1.6k
67May 12, '18i don’t get why girls aren’t supposed to make the first move considering boys are so stupid you’ll be waiting 7.5 months for the guy you like to even figure out you like him1.4×0109k14k429
68Mar 11, '20insane that dating is just hanging out with someone until you either gradually become disgusted by them or you sign a paper telling the government you like them enough to continue 1.3×0115k11k953
69Feb 21, '22I think so yeah1.3×0125k6.4k518
70Jan 13, '22obsessed with getting in bed at 8:30pm and lighting a little candle and pretending im going to read and then scrolling on tik tok until midnight1.3×0118k8.6k691
71Oct 17, '20cats can have little a salami, “as a treat” according to study done by cats1.3×0116k9.1k381
72Jan 2, '21today might be saturday but I think we can all agree that yesterday was also saturday1.3×0121k6.8k112
73Dec 22, '17no one will gas u up like your grandma.. I just walked in with no makeup lookin like I died 3 years ago & she goes "well don't you look pretty!" ... bless u ma'am1.3×0102k14k4
74Jul 16, '18me & my friends do this thing where we say “I love & support whatever you do” which roughly translates to “I think you’re being stupid but i’ll let this one play itself out1.3×098k16k470
75Jun 12, '18if I flirt with you i’m either bored and it means nothing or I want to have your children and good luck figuring out which1.3×097k17k539
76Oct 9, '21idk why there’s such a pervasive belief that you shouldn’t have sex on the first date when every successful couple I know is like “yeah we boned down the first night we met, he sle1.3×0112k6.2k2.2k
77Dec 13, '18i swear laying on the floor solves everything. cramps? lay on the floor. bored? lay on the floor!! existential crisis? f l o o r1.3×096k16k396
78May 2, '22lowkey met gala night is my favorite night on twitter I just think it’s beautiful when we all come together to make fun of people who apparently have never been to a themed party a1.2×0113k6.8k522
79Sep 1, '18i’ve gotta stop telling people they were in my dreams bc they always think it’s a sex thing when in reality they were like, my cashier at petsmart or something1.2×0100k13k349
80Nov 30, '20I am very much struggling with the concept that it’s december tomorrow?? apparently time flies when you are having absolutely not fun at all1.2×0107k9.4k186
81Oct 19, '18drunk me isn’t bad per se she just runs her mouth a bit. i’d compare her to Hagrid whenever he’d spill some tea to Harry Potter and then he’d say “shouldn’t’ve have said that. I sh1.2×093k14k438
82Dec 2, '19if I was a football player I would simply catch the ball1.2×0100k10k248
83Jan 11, '18hey ladies do u ever just like hold your boob & it calms u1.2×086k17k10
84Jun 14, '20date a man who shuts the fuck up thank me later ❤️1.2×0104k8.3k266
85Sep 16, '18drunk me is a sneaky little bitch bc if I want to do something that sober me would not approve of, i’ll ask for advice from someone who I know will say go for it instead of asking 1.2×091k13k446
86Mar 2, '18i posted a snap of literally just my abs on my story & captioned it that I need new workout clothes and I keep getting responses from dudes that I expect to be like “😜💦” and 1.2×0108k5.6k75
87Dec 22, '21I cannot believe I’m in charge of my own finances. me, a person who had to stop playing the kim kardashian iphone game because I was spending too much real money on it1.1×099k6.8k768
88Mar 14, '18someone puked on me at lollapalooza 4 years ago so my tolerance for gross things is pretty high but couples who sit? on the same side?? of the table??? you are so gross don’t do th1.1×091k11k125
89Mar 20, '22if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I 1.1×0103k5.1k736
90Nov 14, '19I really can’t believe high school me was texting people 24/7 like now if I receive more than 3 texts from someone in an hour my entire body shuts down it’s like the scene in monst1.1×088k12k345
91Oct 7, '22I do feel for my friends because I have this deep, primal need to be dramatic so I could text “I am so fucking upset right now” and it could be very serious or it could be about th1.1×087k10k1.3k
92Jan 14, '20I’m such a “im grabbing coffee do you want anything?” ass bitch & it’s not good lmao just out here spending thousands of dollars on starbucks bc “it’s a coffee you owe me nothi1.1×087k11k247
93Apr 17, '22message like this has me so suspicious like is he sweet or is he ran through 🧐1.1×099k3.5k1.4k
94Dec 14, '19bar i’m at does not have spotify premium?? an ad just played?? holy shit like I will give u the $7 a month this is just upsetting1.1×0102k3k229
95Dec 24, '17My moms a preschool teacher and she let the kids pick the name of their fish and they picked "blueberry 2" like there's not even a blueberry 1 I love children1.0×090k7.9k6
96Jun 8, '18when a guy is dressed in business casual it automatically takes him from a 5 to an 8 for me and I swear it’s bc i’m a gold digger1.0×088k8.2k281
97Apr 18, '22I hate restaurants that won’t seat you unless your whole party is here!!! what r u gonna gain from making me stand awkwardly in the corner like why am I being punished for being on1.0×092k4.8k502
98Jun 13, '19I just had crossing the street mansplained to me?? guy was like “u gotta wait for the light” ahhh cheers babe I was about to just walk into oncoming traffic ur a national hero xoxo1.0×089k6.7k220
99Dec 4, '19having pierced ears is just accepting that occasionally you will have to re-pierce your own ear with the dull end of the earring you want to wear that day & I think that’s beau1.0×088k5.9k234
100Nov 24, '19my roommate didn’t come home last night and I was starting to get really worried but then I peeped her location and she’s at her ex’s place. considering dead bolting the door so sh1.0×091k2.8k295

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