| 1 | Feb 18, '23 | Jimmy Carter won't just be going to heaven. He'll be going home. He built heaven himself in 1989, at no cost to the owner. | 46.9× | 5M | 19k | 1.1k | 115 |
| 2 | Dec 20, '22 | Mark Twain must be so proud of his daughter Shania. | 14× | 1.5M | 30k | 2.6k | 106 |
| 3 | Oct 15, '24 | His vote has been cast. Make sure yours is too. | 12× | 1.3M | 27k | 2.3k | 244 |
| 4 | Mar 27, '21 | I'll bring voters all the damn water I want. I'm gonna have a cart out there like a motherfletchin' flight attendant. Mineral water. Spring water. Smart Water. Vitamin water. Holy | 11.4× | 0 | 165k | 20k | 472 |
| 5 | Aug 22, '24 | 👏KEEP👏GUS👏WALZ'S👏NAME👏OUT👏YO'👏DAMN👏MOUTH👏👏HE👏LOVES👏HIS👏DAD👏AND👏AIN'T👏AFRAID👏TO👏SHOW👏THAT👏SHIT👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏 | 9.9× | 1M | 62k | 5k | 340 |
| 6 | Aug 25, '20 | 4,634 people died of Covid in China. Total. We're at 177,000 and climbing. Don't call it the "China virus". This shit is the "Trump Mumps". | 9.6× | 0 | 130k | 22k | 445 |
| 7 | Aug 13, '17 | That little baby grew up believing in goodness and justice and standing up to hate. Heather Heyer. Say her name. | 8.1× | 0 | 87k | 30k | 3 |
| 8 | Sep 24, '25 | What a weird-ass rapture. Only the Constitution disappeared. | 6.4× | 681k | 42k | 5.1k | 496 |
| 9 | Mar 19, '25 | You. Will. Not. Erase. Black. Excellence. | 5.5× | 584k | 27k | 4.7k | 376 |
| 10 | Feb 8, '17 | Ask not what your country can do for you Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by Nordstrom | 5.4× | 0 | 56k | 21k | 2 |
| 11 | Oct 2, '24 | People ask why I'm still here. You're telling me I get to watch a top 5 asshole in the world lose $44-billion in real time, and you want me to leave??? | 5.1× | 537k | 18k | 1.8k | 161 |
| 12 | Mar 20, '20 | Yo' momma's so stupid she dismantled the pandemic response team in April of 2018. | 4.4× | 0 | 64k | 8.2k | 183 |
| 13 | Jan 6, '21 | If those assholes looked like me they woulda been dead three times over before they got a mile from a Capitol balcony. | 4.2× | 0 | 64k | 6.1k | 60 |
| 14 | Sep 22, '22 | Damn guuuurl, is your ass declassified? 'Cause I was just thinkin' about it. | 3.7× | 0 | 55k | 5.5k | 546 |
| 15 | Jun 5, '20 | View post on X | 3.7× | 0 | 49k | 9.1k | 268 |
| 16 | Apr 1, '19 | Any recommendations for countries I should visit in Mexico? | 3.7× | 0 | 56k | 4.5k | 76 |
| 17 | May 18, '21 | 👏STOP👏PUTTING👏15👏HONEYDEW👏 CHUNKS👏 IN 👏 MY 👏 DAMN 👏 FRUIT 👏CUP 👏AIN'T 👏NO 👏ONE👏 LIKES 👏THAT👏 SHIT!👏 | 3.7× | 0 | 57k | 3.8k | 132 |
| 18 | Aug 29, '19 | I'll straight up wear Vans in a car and listen to The Cars in a van I really don't give a shit anymore. | 3.4× | 0 | 50k | 6.4k | 161 |
| 19 | Sep 11, '24 | I don't know who needs to hear this, but it's okay to get off the damn ride. You deserve better than this man, this jukebox of gibberish. | 3.4× | 362k | 14k | 1.8k | 89 |
| 20 | Sep 9, '24 | Rest now, King. And thank you... | 3.4× | 359k | 23k | 2.1k | 198 |
| 21 | Nov 5, '24 | Get in line. Get a sticker. Get a coherent President and whatnot. | 3.4× | 357k | 22k | 1.4k | 57 |
| 22 | Jul 30, '20 | Hey secret police, if you EVER kidnap me and throw me in a rental van I will shit so bad inside that van. I hope your unconstitutional asses are ready to pay $1,700 to get my grown | 3.4× | 0 | 52k | 4.8k | 186 |
| 23 | Feb 11, '20 | 👏 ARE 👏 Y'ALL 👏 SEEING 👏 THIS 👏 CROOKED 👏 ASS 👏 SHIT 👏 VOTE 👏 FOR 👏 THE 👏 NOMINEE 👏 I 👏 DON'T 👏 CARE 👏 IF 👏 IT'S 👏 CAPTAIN 👏 DAMN 👏 CRUNCH 👏 | 3.2× | 0 | 45k | 6.3k | 82 |
| 24 | Jul 24, '19 | Yo' momma's so stupid she thinks an innocent man would falsify records, try to fire investigators, dangle pardons and tamper with witnesses while it rains indictments on everyone a | 3.1× | 0 | 40k | 8k | 149 |
| 25 | Jan 13, '22 | Don't tell my ass to "stick to comedy" if you're a plumber still tweetin' about Benghazi twelve times a day. Why don't you stick to shit, my dude!? | 3.0× | 0 | 49k | 3.1k | 178 |
| 26 | Sep 23, '19 | Who is that little white girl with the braids runnin' around savin' the world and whatnot I like that little white girl with the braids put her in charge of errrrrythang you go lit | 3.0× | 0 | 46k | 4.3k | 112 |
| 27 | Aug 19, '17 | BREAKING: New England patriots win, 40,000 to 133. #Boston | 3.0× | 0 | 35k | 9.2k | 0 |
| 28 | Mar 15, '19 | So sick of the hate. So sick of the body count. And our sorry ass excuse for a leader is out there teasin' violence. If you're still on that man's team you've lost something deep i | 2.9× | 0 | 39k | 7.2k | 65 |
| 29 | Sep 24, '20 | Yo' momma's so stupid she installed a dictator thinkin' she was drainin' some damn swamp. | 2.9× | 0 | 43k | 4.9k | 123 |
| 30 | Dec 8, '17 | Dear @MooreSenate, You are the dumbest man in Alabama. Just a dumb, saggy, dumb, child-molesting dumb-dumb. You are dumb. And a liar. And stupid too. And racist. A dumb, saggy, chi | 2.8× | 0 | 37k | 6.4k | 0 |
| 31 | Dec 1, '17 | It's bullshit if they don't let @HillaryClinton drag Flynn to prison in Wonder Woman's lasso and whatnot. | 2.8× | 0 | 35k | 7.6k | 1 |
| 32 | Feb 17, '19 | Yo' momma's so stupid she thought CEOs would share a $1.5 trillion tax cut. | 2.7× | 0 | 37k | 6.6k | 51 |
| 33 | Jun 30, '21 | There are 40,000 folks rotting in prison on marijuana offenses, billboards everywhere for it now and companies making billions. Let these people out so they can live their lives an | 2.7× | 0 | 38k | 5.6k | 77 |
| 34 | Feb 1, '17 | I'm showin' up to Ruth Bader Ginsburg's house every damn mornin' with a kale smoothie and a shitload of vitamins and whatnot. | 2.6× | 0 | 29k | 9.1k | 2 |
| 35 | Feb 19, '25 | If I were on a damn talking cat show I wouldn't be flappin' my gums about it so much. So proud of "Clean Slate". It's always a good time to choose love, and right now it's more imp | 2.5× | 269k | 806 | 288 | 81 |
| 36 | Aug 15, '17 | .@RealDonaldTrump I was at Dr. King's funeral. I know what that "side" is capable of. You are a disgrace in every possible way. | 2.5× | 0 | 31k | 7.6k | 0 |
| 37 | Mar 28, '22 | Will Smith is lucky his momma wasn't there tonight. She would've kicked his ass for acting like that. | 2.5× | 0 | 41k | 1.7k | 62 |
| 38 | Mar 28, '22 | Y'all let's make sure @QuestLove wakes up to a mountain of love for winning an Oscar and whatnot. We saw that shit, Quest! | 2.4× | 0 | 39k | 2.4k | 34 |
| 39 | Sep 15, '18 | I'll straight up eat a club sandwich at a cottage and cottage cheese at the club I really don't give a shit anymore. | 2.3× | 0 | 33k | 5k | 79 |
| 40 | Aug 4, '18 | .@RealDonaldTrump Shut up about Bron. That's my son. My beautiful son. You will be an orange shit stain in history books, but @KingJames will be remembered forever and whatnot, dun | 2.3× | 0 | 34k | 3.8k | 24 |
| 41 | Aug 7, '20 | What if we're the weird ones y'all, and he's just Al Yankovic? Makes ya think. | 2.3× | 0 | 35k | 3.5k | 100 |
| 42 | Feb 5, '20 | The good news is any one of us could win a Presidential Medal of Freedom at any moment. That shit is wide open. | 2.2× | 0 | 32k | 4.4k | 51 |
| 43 | Oct 18, '24 | Shout out to North Carolina for giving a fat middle finger to Helene and breaking a day 1 early voting record and whatnot. | 2.2× | 234k | 14k | 1.1k | 39 |
| 44 | Apr 8, '20 | I'd pay good money for a bear to shit on James Woods. | 2.2× | 0 | 33k | 2.6k | 35 |
| 45 | Apr 30, '19 | Real talk, this pic of the Baylor women's basketball team at the White House is errythaaaang. | 2.2× | 0 | 28k | 4.5k | 130 |
| 46 | Sep 13, '16 | Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance. | 2.1× | 0 | 22k | 8.6k | 2 |
| 47 | May 25, '22 | Lookin' sharp, lil' man. We failed you. We failed all of you. | 2.1× | 0 | 36k | 1.7k | 90 |
| 48 | Jul 21, '20 | All these folks in jail for weed arrests shoulda just committed treason against the United States. They'd be out already. | 2.1× | 0 | 30k | 4k | 50 |
| 49 | Aug 13, '20 | I have pre-written over 8,000 tweets so I can Herman Cain the shit outta this place in the event of my demise and whatnot. | 2.0× | 0 | 33k | 2k | 57 |
| 50 | Jun 17, '20 | Love the new packaging and whatnot. | 1.9× | 0 | 27k | 3.7k | 90 |
| 51 | Dec 23, '19 | Just saw the new Star Wars movie. Strange that they made all the characters cats, but they swung for the fences and you gotta respect that shit. | 1.9× | 0 | 29k | 3.1k | 52 |
| 52 | Sep 18, '19 | Bad news. SNL has unearthed several thousand clips of me making fun of people's mommas. I will no longer be joining the show. Please know that I myself had a momma, and this was si | 1.8× | 0 | 29k | 2k | 63 |
| 53 | Nov 13, '19 | Thinkin' of payin' extra for Impeachment+. | 1.8× | 0 | 28k | 2.7k | 30 |
| 54 | Aug 20, '17 | Dick Gregory and Jerry Lewis in a 12 hour span? That shit happens in threes. I'm rollin' up in bubble wrap and layin' on the floor & whatnot | 1.8× | 0 | 25k | 4k | 0 |
| 55 | Apr 11, '21 | View post on X | 1.8× | 0 | 25k | 3.7k | 160 |
| 56 | Jun 2, '20 | All my life. Black men on the ground. Black men on the ground. Black men on the ground. It hurts. | 1.7× | 0 | 27k | 2.7k | 44 |
| 57 | Sep 30, '20 | That shit was unprecedented. Let's make sure that asshole's unpresidented. | 1.7× | 0 | 27k | 2.3k | 33 |
| 58 | Sep 28, '20 | A fun prank would be if we stopped this from becoming a dictatorship on November 3rd and whatnot. | 1.7× | 0 | 27k | 2.5k | 25 |
| 59 | Jun 24, '18 | I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie. | 1.7× | 0 | 25k | 2.8k | 92 |
| 60 | Aug 5, '20 | I have updated my cookie policy. I will now eat shitloads of cookies. By continuing to follow me you agree to the terms. | 1.7× | 0 | 26k | 2k | 68 |
| 61 | Jan 10, '22 | Four decades of friendship. Had Thanksgiving with Bob once when we were coming up. He cooked the turkey but had no idea you were supposed to take the innards out. We completely los | 1.6× | 0 | 28k | 1.1k | 43 |
| 62 | Jun 26, '18 | Assholes are out there joyriding in that stolen Supreme Court seat. Get out there and vote, assumin' they haven't found a way to scrub you from the rolls. These are some shady ass | 1.6× | 0 | 21k | 4k | 16 |
| 63 | Nov 19, '21 | Get ready for 1,533 assholes to bring assault rifles to every protest they hear about and try to put themselves in a position to be "scared". | 1.6× | 0 | 22k | 3.2k | 76 |
| 64 | Apr 25, '19 | What's your favorite coat factory mine's probably Burlington | 1.6× | 0 | 23k | 2.7k | 58 |
| 65 | Jan 20, '19 | Shout out to folks teachin' their kids kindness and respect. | 1.6× | 0 | 22k | 3.3k | 6 |
| 66 | Aug 19, '16 | I'd love to chat with Trump about how black people are all "living in poverty" but I can't decide which of my houses we should meet at. | 1.6× | 0 | 16k | 5.7k | 0 |
| 67 | Nov 7, '18 | No matter how the maps play out tonight, remember millions more Americans want progress over the past, hope over hate. That will shake out over time as young folks come of age and | 1.5× | 0 | 20k | 3.2k | 21 |
| 68 | Oct 4, '19 | I'll straight up wear canary yellow around a baby and baby blue around a canary I really don't give a shit anymore. | 1.5× | 0 | 22k | 2.4k | 67 |
| 69 | Nov 7, '19 | I'll straight up fight folks at a book club and discuss books at a fight club I really don't give a shit anymore. | 1.5× | 0 | 21k | 2.8k | 81 |
| 70 | Mar 27, '19 | The Special Olympics needs a new event, throwin' javelins at anyone who wants to cut funding to the Special Olympics. | 1.4× | 0 | 20k | 3k | 9 |
| 71 | Mar 12, '19 | Over the last 18 months I paid over $44,000 in bribes to get my niece Tay-Tay into clown college. I apologize to my fans and I would appreciate privacy during this difficult time. | 1.4× | 0 | 20k | 2.1k | 31 |
| 72 | Jan 21, '18 | .@realDonaldTrump When you've got milk, ice cream AND a blender, and you still can't make a milkshake, ain't no one to blame but YOUR sorry ass. | 1.4× | 0 | 17k | 3.7k | 0 |
| 73 | Jan 6, '22 | WIZARD👏HATS👏AND👏DUNCE👏CAPS👏ARE👏TOO👏SIMILAR👏I'M👏SICK👏AND👏TIRED👏OF👏THINKIN'👏I'M👏HANGIN'👏 WITH👏A👏DAMN👏WIZARD👏BUT👏IT👏TURNS👏👏OUT👏TO👏BE👏A👏DUNCE👏AND👏THEY👏CA | 1.3× | 0 | 21k | 1.8k | 116 |
| 74 | Jun 17, '21 | Thanks Congress, but Juneteenth without also protecting our voting rights is all bun no burger. | 1.3× | 0 | 20k | 2.3k | 30 |
| 75 | Jul 18, '20 | Good trouble. From here to November and beyond, good trouble. Link arms, y'all. | 1.3× | 0 | 20k | 2.2k | 39 |
| 76 | Apr 18, '19 | No one says "This is the end of my Presidency I'm fucked" unless they are completely innocent and whatnot. | 1.3× | 0 | 20k | 2.4k | 38 |
| 77 | Aug 17, '19 | I'll straight up feed baby carrots to a man and Manwich to a baby I really don't give a shit anymore. | 1.3× | 0 | 19k | 2.4k | 53 |
| 78 | Jun 11, '18 | Shout out to wrists, the neck of the arm. | 1.3× | 0 | 19k | 2.7k | 15 |
| 79 | Mar 9, '22 | Radio Shack was smart as hell to transition to shakes. | 1.3× | 0 | 20k | 1.8k | 97 |
| 80 | Jun 12, '19 | It's sad as hell that Milli Vanilli, Nelly and Liza Minnelli never made a super group called Milli Minnelli Vanelly | 1.3× | 0 | 19k | 2.6k | 49 |
| 81 | Sep 14, '21 | Take a bow, Norm. | 1.3× | 0 | 23k | 783 | 21 |
| 82 | Jul 31, '18 | I wish trades happened outside of sports. The Wendy's on Dupont Road sends fry cook Kelly Futz to the Dairy Queen on 17th Avenue for Assistant Manager Shantika Leonard and a cashie | 1.3× | 0 | 17k | 3.3k | 20 |
| 83 | Nov 8, '22 | View post on X | 1.3× | 0 | 17k | 3.7k | 65 |
| 84 | Jan 8, '21 | Shout out to the people who were brave BEFORE there were only 12 days left. | 1.3× | 0 | 21k | 1.5k | 14 |
| 85 | Mar 20, '19 | I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby's bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatno | 1.2× | 0 | 20k | 1.3k | 23 |
| 86 | Jun 21, '18 | Got a new jacket this mornin' and whatnot. | 1.2× | 0 | 17k | 2.6k | 11 |
| 87 | Mar 12, '20 | America must've said somethin' about this virus's momma. This shit took out baseball, Disneyland and Tom Hanks in 24 hours. | 1.2× | 0 | 18k | 2.3k | 85 |
| 88 | Feb 9, '19 | My ass would get kicked off Top Chef right away. "We've never had someone serve us just a 5-gallon bucket of gravy before. It was a bold choice, but the challenge was to make a sco | 1.2× | 0 | 18k | 1.7k | 31 |
| 89 | Feb 18, '18 | That movie 'The Birds' is on. I wish I was in that movie. I woulda eaten all them birds right off the bat. A deep fryer. A little hot sauce maybe. That shit woulda been a short fil | 1.2× | 0 | 16k | 2.5k | 4 |
| 90 | Dec 24, '19 | This is my dude right here. | 1.2× | 0 | 17k | 2k | 46 |
| 91 | Aug 8, '18 | Yo' momma's so fat it's caused a series of ailments that she can't afford to treat because Republicans prefer to give CEOs raises and build stupid-ass walls instead of providing af | 1.2× | 0 | 16k | 2.7k | 11 |
| 92 | Jun 14, '21 | I grew up so poor we could only listen to Kool or the Gang. | 1.1× | 0 | 19k | 985 | 47 |
| 93 | Sep 7, '20 | That awkward moment when your boat parade becomes a submarine parade. | 1.1× | 0 | 17k | 1.1k | 20 |
| 94 | May 10, '22 | 👏STOP👏INVITING👏ME👏TO👏THE👏DAMN👏OPERA👏'TIL👏THEY👏GET👏RID👏OF👏ALL👏THE👏PHANTOMS👏UP👏IN👏THAT👏SHIT!👏 | 1.1× | 0 | 17k | 1.2k | 67 |
| 95 | Apr 21, '22 | Folks are ripping Masked Singer for having Rudy on, but that shit was a brilliant plan to finally get a Republican to wear a mask. | 1.0× | 0 | 17k | 886 | 28 |
| 96 | Sep 5, '20 | Not sure who needs this right now, but you are wonderful and you are loved and you are the only you in this entire world and whatnot. | 1.0× | 0 | 15k | 1.6k | 45 |
| 97 | Apr 6, '21 | BREAKING NEWS: Midnight Train to Georgia being rerouted in response to new voting laws. | 1.0× | 0 | 16k | 1.3k | 21 |
| 98 | Aug 17, '21 | Just a friendly reminder that if your "Civil War memorial" was put up decades later as a response to desegregation, that shit ain't a Civil War memorial. It's a middle finger to eq | 1.0× | 0 | 15k | 1.7k | 44 |
| 99 | Mar 28, '22 | I'm still gonna get on stage a sling yo' momma jokes. Shit, I'm 6'4", 270. Try drivin' home from the Laugh Factory with a mic stand wrapped around your head and whatnot. | 1.0× | 0 | 16k | 927 | 50 |
| 100 | Sep 3, '21 | Yo' momma's so stupid she believed Justice Kavanaugh would respect Roe v. Wade as settled law. | 1.0× | 0 | 15k | 1.2k | 21 |
| 101 | Nov 6, '20 | View post on X | 1.0× | 0 | 15k | 799 | 12 |
@karpathy
@levelsio
@paulg
@naval
@marclou
@illyism